Heroic Dry Humping
by HalfASlug
Summary: "All right, Spaceman, shut up and get your kecks off." The Doctor closed his eyes and let his head fall heavily against the glass behind him. No matter how many more centuries he managed to squeeze out of his existence, he doubted he would ever fully recover from hearing that sentence. The Ten and Donna (not quite) shag-or-die fic that no one wanted.


_A/N: I saw something on Tumblr where people were saying what fanfic trope they would never do. After a bit of internal debate I decided I would probably never write a shag-or-die story and was promptly attacked by this plot bunny. So this is me, writing something I honestly thought I would never write. I'd like to say this is pushing boundaries and revolutionising an overused plot device for generations to come, but really it's just a bit ridiculous._

 _Disclaimer: Anything you recognise from Doctor Who or Torchwood belongs to RTD._

* * *

Every so often, the Doctor understood why he had such a reputation with his companions of making the most innocent of holidays the most dangerous. Sitting under a glass dome on a stage in front of several hundred aliens, angry as they were tiny, on a planet he had promised three hours ago was completely harmless, was one of those moments.

"I don't know why I bother listening to you anymore," sighed Donna, shifting into a more comfortable position. "The safer the place is supposed to be, the more trouble we end up in."

"Do you want me to start aiming for planets made of nothing but lava and knives?"

"Might be an idea."

The Doctor closed his eyes, hoping the jeering of the crowd would somehow stop if he wished hard enough. Normally when he got into trouble the solution was something as simple as running very fast in the opposite direction. Occasionally it was complicated by a rescue attempt but he was getting very good at those. This time, however, he was trapped in a position he was certain he'd managed to avoid up until this point.

"Are you going to explain what's happening then?" Donna asked. "I missed most of the important points since I don't speak space mole."

"They're not space moles. They're Hoons."

"They look like moles. They live in space. They're space moles."

The Hoons on the front row were pressing their long noses against the glass and tapping it with their wide paws. If it wasn't for the slight purple tint of their fur and the hats some of them were wearing, they would look incredibly similar to Earth moles.

"So… Gonna give them some speech about justice or something to get us out of here?"

"It's not that simple." The Doctor pulled his legs against his chest to rest his chin on his knees. He reminded himself of a hedgehog and wondered if he'd have better luck than they did half the time.

The trip had been perfectly fine for the first hour. A smooth landing followed by Donna taking one look outside at the gentle hills and lush grass and demanding a costume change. Only half an hour later she was back in flowing summer dress and they were finally able to start exploring the many varieties of flower and oddly shaped bushes that were everywhere.

Eventually they found the colony of Hoon, who greeted them as enthusiastically as they could. Unfortunately for Donna, the fledgling society had a primitive language that the TARDIS couldn't translate, but the Doctor knew the basics of. It wasn't long before they were invited to a feast in one of the brightly decorated huts they lived in. It was during the feast, when they were fully lulled into a false sense of security, that the Doctor had realised what was happening. Before he could warn Donna, they had been forced into the glass dome and had to watch the Hoon build a stage around them.

It gave him plenty of time to reflect on how stupid he may have been, but also on how well organised the Hoon were.

"You see, the Hoon are low level telepaths," the Doctor explained. "They thrive off positive energy. Any excuse to have a shindig and they pull out the bunting."

"Like that feast earlier?"

"Yep."

"It was surprisingly good considering it was mainly berries and nuts," Donna said. "'Spose they've had enough practise."

"Actually that was fairly poor by their standards," the Doctor admitted. "They've been having terrible crops and they're starting to die out."

"What? But… all of the plants look fine!"

"I'm guessing when the Dupig ship crashed it added something to the atmosphere that tweaked the ecosystem enough to ruin certain crops."

"The crashed what-now?"

"Dupig ship." The Doctor rolled his eyes and gestured to the glass dome around them. "This is part of one. How do you think they made a dome, hmm? They're moles!"

Donna sat up straighter and glared at him. "I was going to ask about that actually. You were taking too long with your story."

The Doctor bit his tongue, knowing that he needed to keep Donna calm for as long as possible for his own safety. "So with the Hoon community feeling down, everything is getting worse. It's a vicious circle. No food makes them sad, being sad makes them ill and being ill either kills them or means they can't harvest what little they do have."

Donna looked out at the crowd, her eyes wide with sympathy. Even through his trepidation, the Doctor felt a rush of pride. She may have been kidnapped, but he could always count on Donna to sympathise with those in trouble. "But why did they give us food, then?"

"Weeeeell," he said, not being as happy that he could always count on Donna to see the heart of the issue, "we are the answer to their problems."

"How?"

"From what I could understand there was a prophecy-"

"Oh no… No, whenever I end up in a prophecy with you it goes badly."

Twisting around to look at her, the Doctor gave Donna his best innocent look. "I can't help what people write about us! Besides, this is only the second time!"

"The first time I had to convince a group of aliens that they had misread their holy scroll and were meant to feed you a burnt steak!"

The Doctor crossed his arms. It was true that nothing ever good was prophesied about him, but he didn't like being reminded about it. Plus, there was the small matter of Donna not knowing she would have to do something a bit different to shouting if they had any hope of leaving this planet.

The pair of them lapsed into silence while the Hoon looked on. As much as he'd rather be anywhere but here, the Doctor knew he had to do whatever he could to help them. He had been right back on the TARDIS; they were completely harmless. The universe produced so many vicious creatures and races that he should be happy to help one of the few that would never cause anyone any ill. Intentionally, at least.

"Did you know that the Hoon have a distant cousin who are entirely gaseous?" he ventured, picking at the seam of his trousers.

"No. Do tell me more," Donna replied. For a minute he thought her enthusiasm might be genuine, until he noticed she was giving him her best death glare.

"Yep, instead of feeding off positive energy, it craves a - um - stronger version that it creates itself from possessing a host."

"Stronger version? Of what? Happiness?"

"In a way."

Her death glare intensified.

"As the host it engages in sexual intercourse in order to feed off orgasmic energy which, unfortunately, reduces the partner into dust," he explained in one breath while concentrating very hard on his left knee.

"It bonks them to death?" Donna asked.

"Literally."

"Unleash one of those on a Friday night and you could wipe out Cardiff in three hours."

"Exactly."

She appeared to be so stunned that she forgot she was angry. He saved this information, hoping the next time he got them in a sticky situation, he could tell her about the twelve day orgies of the Gelat System.

Donna's eyes narrowed. "Why are you telling me this?"

Swallowing what felt like a golf ball, the Doctor edged further away from Donna as best he could without her noticing. "According to their legend, a similar occurrence involving us has to happen to give them a boost and to fix the food shortage."

"What do you mean," Donna asked through very thin lips, "by a _similar occurrence?_ "

All things considered, the Doctor thought he'd done fairly well to make it to nine hundred. It would be a shame to be killed outright by his best mate in a bubble surrounded by space moles, but there were worse ways to go. It wasn't like there was anything he could do to prevent it anyway.

"The Hoon believe that a - ah - ritual that ends in orgasmic energy being released will solve everything."

"A ritual that ends in orgasmic energy?" Donna repeated so calmly that the Doctor wondered if she had fully understood.

He nodded.

She folded her arms. "Well, the pervy space moles can go bloody hungry."

"Donna?" the Doctor began, pulling at his left ear. "They aren't going to let us out of here until the ritual is complete and I don't want to bore you with the mechanics of Dupig transport, but if we aren't out of this dome in… ooh… I'd say an hour, then you'll suffocate."

Donna turned her head so quickly her hair whipped him in the face. "What?"

"If we don't provide the energy boost then we die."

The Doctor looked at Donna. Donna looked at the Doctor. He'd never noticed until this moment just how much the vein in her temple stood out when she was truly pissed off.

"You're telling me I've got to _shag you or die!_ " she screeched, each syllable louder than the last. The nightmare scenario echoed around them, somehow making the whole thing ten times worse. "I am going to _murder_ you, you daft-"

"Donna-"

"-thick-"

"Donna-"

"- _deluded-_ "

"Don-"

"-cockatiel look-a-like dipshit!"

"DONNA!" he shouted over her enthusiastic, yet entirely uncalled for, insults. "I've got a plan."

She exhaled heavily through her nose in an uncanny impression of a bull. "This had better be good."

For his own sake, the Doctor hoped so as well.

"The Hoon's telepathic abilities aren't nearly developed enough to process different types of energy signals," he explained, the plan still forming in his head as he spoke. "The whole thing is a placebo effect! As long as they _believe_ they've witnessed the proper ritual and had the energy boost then they'll be saved."

The Doctor watched on with bated breath as Donna processed his idea. It seemed to take an eternity or five before she flicked her hair over her shoulder and fixed him with a beady stare.

"You want us to dry hump to save the space moles?"

"Want is a very strong word."

Donna tore her suspicious gaze away from him and onto the crowd. They didn't look happy with the delay in proceedings. Several of them appeared to be panicking while others tried to calm them. A few rows from the front, the Doctor saw an infant being cradled by its mother and felt his hearts sink. He'd done a lot in his time to save people. Some would argue he'd done too much. Being a hero and a good man weren't always the same thing and occasionally he felt like neither.

"There are weirder ways we've helped people before," Donna pointed out, a smile trying to find its way onto her features.

"Are there?"

"No, but at least it can't get any weirder."

"Now you've jinxed it."

It was then that the two friends silently agreed that, yes, this was really happening. The Doctor suspected that Donna's expression of resignation and mild disgust was mirrored on his own face so he tried not to be too offended by it. Despite the absurdity of it all, if he was honest with himself, he couldn't really think of someone he'd rather be stuck in this situation with. Jack would have been unbearable, Martha would have only made things twice as awkward between them and Rose… Well… Now wasn't the time to be thinking about Rose.

At least with Donna he doubted this would ruin their relationship. It was all excruciatingly embarrassing, but he suspected they'd be able to have a good laugh about it afterwards.

He hoped, anyway.

It had been a while since either of them had spoken and the Hoon were growing increasingly impatient. For the first time he could remember in this body, the Doctor was entirely unsure of what to say.

"Have you ever even had sex?" Donna asked.

The Doctor gawked at her. It didn't matter how delicately she'd asked the question, he was still speechless for completely different reasons than before. She shrugged at him as if it was a fair inquiry and he remembered how to form words.

"Donna, I'm nine hundred years old."

"Not the question I asked."

He let out an incredulous laugh and folded his arms. "I'm not discussing my sex life with you."

"Yeah, but what if you Time Lords do it weirdly?"

Deciding now was definitely not the time to explain Gallifreyan culture and looms, the Doctor gave Donna his most derisive look. "I assure you I know enough about human reproductive rituals to get through this."

"That isn't exactly reassuring."

"I don't know what you want me to say here," the Doctor hissed, well aware that the more time spent on this ridiculous argument, the more danger Donna was in. "Tab A goes into Slot B?"

Donna stared at him expectantly. "And then?"

"And then? What do you mean _and then_?" he squawked. "Thrust? Repeat until satisfied or bored?"

Although he could've sworn he heard Donna mutter "Poor Rose" as she dropped her head into her hands, he decided to let it slide in the hopes that she wouldn't start asking more questions he wasn't too keen to answer.

Eventually, Donna drew in a deep breath and nodded to herself. "Okay. Let's do this."

Sharing her lack of enthusiasm, the Doctor went to stand up only to see Donna doing the same thing.

"What are you doing?" she asked with a short laugh.

"Well... I'm - you know…" He tipped his head towards her.

"No, I don't."

There was a long pause in which the Doctor waved his arms in the general direction of Donna. She stared at him blankly.

He gave up with a sigh. "I'm trying to think of a polite way of saying getting on top of you and failing."

Surprisingly, Donna laughed so hard she nearly toppled over from her odd crouched position. "You think you're going on top?"

"Obviously," he scoffed.

"Oh no. I'm not having your hip bones digging into me."

"But I'm the man!" protested the Doctor.

Donna levelled him with sceptical look. "Are you sure you've done this before?"

"Look," the Doctor snapped, "this way I can handle the - performance - and you can just... lie back and think of England."

"What and have you mess it up?" Donna snorted. "Oh no. I'm running this."

Before the Doctor could think of another argument, Donna had pushed him back onto his arse and was gripping his shoulders to make sure he didn't move. Over her shoulder, he saw the Hoon watching them almost silently. It reminded him of the time Mickey had asked to jump ahead to see the next World Cup final that England would play in and the game had ended in a penalty shoot-out.

Remembering how Mickey had gone ballistic when England had inevitably lost and had to be reminded to word his requests better in the future, the Doctor glumly thought that there wouldn't have been any argument about him going on top if it'd been Mickey instead of Donna.

Shaking this disturbing thought from his head, he held his arm out to stop Donna getting any closer to him. "How exactly do you think I'm going to mess this up?"

"With you the possibilities are endless. Besides, this floor is solid. I've got to think of my back. Plus I can hide what isn't happening with my dress."

She spoke with a level of pragmatism he didn't think he'd quite reached. Between that and how she did have a point about the dress thing, the Doctor relented.

"Fine."

With a victorious smirk, Donna swung a leg over his legs and settled on his thighs. Unsure of what to do with his hands, the Doctor left them on the floor and waited for the ordeal to begin.

"Shouldn't you start... moving?"

Donna sniffed indignantly and tossed her hair over her shoulder. "Aren't you going to seduce me?"

 _Surely she was joking._

Donna raised her eyebrows expectantly.

 _Okay, maybe she wasn't._

"I'll buy you dinner later?"

She pursed her lips and the Doctor tried again, very aware of the vulnerable position he was currently in.

"Your hair looks very... ginger today."

He'd hoped she'd accept his effort and get on with it so they could get on with their lives. Instead she sighed and hanged her head so her very ginger hair almost covered her pout.

"Well, that's more effort than Lance ever put in," she joked, still avoiding his eye.

It wasn't often that Donna brought up her ex, normally at her own expense, and it never failed to send a ripple of anger through him. He'd barely known her when he'd watched her have her heart broken, and it was enough to make him want to protect her. Annoying and abrasive as she was, even then he'd believed that Donna Noble hadn't deserved what happened that day.

With every passing minute he spent with her, he realised how right he had been.

"Hey," he said, taking her hand, "I will actually take you to dinner to make up for this."

She gave him a small smile. "I'll get dessert."

Ever grateful that he could still find people in the universe who went along with his mad life, the Doctor gave Donna's hand a squeeze. Maybe, just maybe, they could get through this without it being too difficult.

"You should probably take your trousers off, at least," Donna suggested, shattering any hope he had of them getting through this without it being too difficult.

"What?"

"You had better be wearing pants..."

Donna made a grab for the button on his trousers and the Doctor batted her away, spluttering half-formed protests.

"Who am I kidding?" she chuckled, ignoring him completely. "You're wearing two shirts, a jacket _and_ a coat today. No chance you'd pass up an opportunity to have more layers. I'm surprised you don't wear long johns-"

"Okay, okay!" he snapped. "There is no need to get personal about this!"

"All right, Spaceman, shut up and get your kecks off."

The Doctor closed his eyes and let his head fall heavily against the glass behind him. No matter how many more centuries he managed to squeeze out of his existence, he doubted he would ever fully recover from hearing that sentence.

With as much dignity as he could manage, he undid his trousers and shuffled them down his legs, leaving his pants in place. Thankfully, Donna looked over her shoulder at the assembled Hoon before shuffling forwards to cover him up again.

"That wasn't so bad," she remarked, clearly trying not to laugh at his scowl. "No need to make a mountain out of a Hoon-hill."

"How long have you been saving that one for?"

"Since before the feast, I think."

Their eyes met and they knew that the time for distractions was long over. The Doctor stared up at Donna, trying not to look as nervous as he felt, but he knew his eyes were wider than usual. She cleared her throat and raised herself up on her knees, but promptly sat down again.

"Don't look at me. I can't do this if you're looking at me," she told him, dragging him by the shoulders so he had no choice but to look over at her shoulder. By the looks of things outside the dome, the tension was too much and several of the Hoon were hiding their dull eyes behind their paws.

Either that, or they had some aversion to watching this sort of thing. The Doctor tried not to be insulted. If he was going through this for them, the least they could do was pay attention.

Once her composure was gathered again, Donna shuffled forward a fraction. The Doctor closed his eyes as she gasped into his ear. He hadn't realised she'd be getting quite so into her role.

Before he had chance to work out what he should do to match her, Donna pulled away and slapped him. The Hoon cheered and he vaguely wondered just how peaceful the critters were after all.

"What was that for?" he squeaked, rubbing his cheek.

"What the _hell_ is that?"

"What the hell is what?"

"That - _thing_ \- down there!"

Donna's eyes flickered towards his crotch before darting back to his face. He couldn't tell if she was blushing because of the situation as a whole or whatever it was they were currently arguing about. If he was honest, the Doctor's cheek stung too much to properly care.

As subtly as he could, he felt around the area Donna had just been perched on and discovered his part of his coat was covering his thigh. He put his hand in his pocket and found what had caused the commotion almost immediately.

He pulled the rolling pin out from his coat and knew Donna wasn't the only one blushing.

Donna's jaw dropped and she stared at it before shaking her head. "I'm not going to ask."

"Probably for the best."

The rolling pin was tucked safely back in his pocket and Donna was soon back in position. The Doctor locked his eyes onto the back row and wondered if this was an appropriate time to be picturing the audience naked when she began moving. Unsure of what else he should be doing, he smiled politely at the gleeful Hoon.

"This has to be one of weirdest things I've ever done," he muttered in Donna's ear after a couple of minutes.

"Don't worry," she reassured him, giving his shoulder a squeeze, "we'll make it quick."

The Doctor shook his head. "No, it's got to be realistic."

"This is no time to get proud!"

With a disbelieving laugh, the Doctor pushed Donna gently back so he could see her face. "I can't have these people thinking I'm some sort of inexperienced octogenarian!"

"Get over yourself! I don't care that they think I'm like this."

"What do you mean?" the Doctor asked, paying attention to her technique for the first time. Donna pulled him against her again and he got a face full of hair.

"You seriously thought I'd do my best moves on you?"

"Fine," he huffed once his mouth was free of hair, "but can you at least look a least bit appreciative?"

"No!"

"I'm pulling some very happy faces over here for your benefit."

Donna side-eyed him and the Doctor made sure he was smiling. She narrowed her eyes at him, before growling in annoyance.

"For the love of-" she muttered. " _Ooh!_ "

He tried, he really did, but nothing could stop the snort of laughter that had him burying his face in Donna's shoulder.

"Shut up."

"You sound like a ghost."

"You'll be a ghost if you don't stop laughing."

"All right," the Doctor said, coughing himself back into seriousness. "Ooh away."

" _Ah!_ "

This time there was no denying he'd laughed, but the Hoon didn't seem to mind. The noises only seemed to add to the hysteria that was slowly building outside of the dome.

Donna, however, was getting increasingly irritated and poked him in the ribs. Luckily, he was concentrating too much on regaining his straight face to really notice.

"Laugh all you want, Time Boy," she hissed in his ear, "but just keep in mind which one of us has to fake an orgasm."

The Doctor's eyes shot open. "We both have to."

Sensing his unease, Donna met his eyes with a smirk that made his blood run cold. "Not unless you go first."

"Oh that - _that_ \- is unfair! And inaccurate, I'll have you know!" he spluttered.

"I don't care."

"I am a more than adequate lover!"

Donna grimaced. "Can we pretend you didn't just say that?"

"No, no, no. You are going to fake one," he insisted, trying to instil just how serious this was without the Hoon thinking anything was amiss. "I heard you having your little girl talk with Martha! I know you can do it!"

"Not a chance."

He shot her a warning glance that he was sure could send Daleks running (well… scooting along), but apparently Donna was impervious.

"Donna-"

"Oh, Doctor!" she cried. "I can almost feel it!"

"Oh, that's just... playing dirty," he told her with disgust, hoping it would hide his embarrassment.

"I'll give you dirty," she muttered.

"I swear-"

Donna stopped her movements and the Doctor breathed a sigh of relief. In the grand scale of things it didn't really matter, but he'd been teaching some of the Elder Hoons English. He had the reputation of all of Gallifrey resting on his shoulders! He couldn't risk having their reputation tarnished by-

"Oh dear," sighed Donna, "you've slipped out. Oh wait - you haven't. Hard to tell sometimes," she added with a wink.

Abandoning all dignity, the Doctor pleaded silently with her, hoping the nausea he was feeling in his stomach was going to stay there. Donna wasn't having any of it. In fact, she seemed to be quite enjoying herself now.

"What was that? Oh, okay. I'll call you 'Noddy'."

"You're evil."

"Nearly there, Noddy? Already? You've done so much better than last time."

"I'm leaving you here once this is over."

The way he was feeling, he honestly didn't know if it was an empty threat.

After a particularly loud whoop from the crowd, Donna touched her top lip with her tongue and the Doctor knew she'd worked out how to make him crack. He summoned all of his inner strength, centuries of practise at remaining calm in the most intense of circumstances, and braced himself.

"You want me to pull you hair?"

Knowing Donna wouldn't be bluffing, he went on the offensive and tickled the back of her knees. The attack caught her off guard, causing her to shriek. There wasn't going to be a better opportunity so the Doctor pulled a face and grunted in what he hoped was an entirely normal way that wouldn't have Donna laughing at him for decades to come.

By some miracle, the Hoon were convinced or too desperate to care and erupted with cheers so loud that the Doctor was sure he saw the dome vibrate. He grinned smugly at Donna who looked thoroughly put out.

"Oh, you twat."

"Couldn't help it," he said sincerely. "One stray thought of your mother and-"

"Very funny." She shoved him against the glass with no real force.

They turned their attentions to the Hoon and saw they had begun dancing with abandon around the dome. The Doctor couldn't help but smile. A couple more weeks and their society would have been brought to its knees.

"Why aren't they letting us out?" Donna asked as some of them had retrieved wooden instruments from somewhere and were filling the night with peculiar music.

"They're celebrating," the Doctor shrugged. "Must be a shock to their systems after so long. We've got about twenty minutes left anyway."

The Hoon were now circling the dome in what looked a lot like a conga line.

"Bonkers."

Deciding that it was best to let the Hoon calm down a bit before they reminded them that they needed to be released, Donna rested her head against the Doctor's shoulder. With a sigh, he wrapped his arms around her in a loose hug.

"Knew you'd be a cuddler," she chuckled.

"Yep. Love a good cuddle, me."

"I do sort of miss this," Donna told him quietly. "Not this exactly, but well... you know."

Against his better judgement, the Doctor let his mind wander towards a certain pink and yellow human and laid his head on top of Donna's. "Yeah."

"Not that swapping it for all the travelling isn't worth it, but sometimes…"

The Doctor nodded. While having Donna by his side meant everything, there were still days his hand ached for someone else's and nights he wanted more than his duvet keeping him warm. He knew it would pass, that it was more her than the feeling he missed, and eventually he wouldn't crave what he'd almost had, but humans were different. Donna was, at least.

"I'm sure you'll find someone to cuddle, Donna. There's enough planets out there to find someone for everyone."

She scoffed. "Until they cheat or leave or betray you to a giant spider."

"Don't talk like that," he admonished, leaning back to look at her. "Any man would lucky to have you."

"Yeah?"

"Definitely. You're brilliant, you are."

She gave him a watery smile. "If only you were human, good looking and not so bloody mad."

The Doctor laughed and hoped with everything he was that she'd end up with someone worthy of her and not just someone who showed the slightest kindness. She'd told him she wasn't going anywhere, but he couldn't begrudge her that kind of happiness should she find it. Or maybe the future Mr Donna Noble would join them on the TARDIS? It could be nice having a couple aboard. He could probably get revenge for the stunt Donna had pulled today by colluding with the TARDIS into only provided them with bunk beds...

"Right," the Doctor said, clapping his hands together. "Get off before I get used to you straddling me and we can go home."

"Bet you say that to all the women." Donna waved at the nearest Hoon. Their tiny mouth fell open in shock and soon it was rallying the others to set them free.

He winked. "Only the ones I didn't take to dinner first."

Three of the Hoon placed a device against the dome and an archway appeared. As soon as it opened the smell of the dewy grass outside wafted in and the Doctor found he didn't really mind hanging around as part of the celebration - providing neither he or Donna would play a significant role.

Donna stood and straightened her dress out. "Talking of which, where are you taking me?"

"You pick."

"Enid Blyton's?"

He shook his head and pulled himself to his feet using the side of the dome. "You're not half as funny as you think you are."

"You make it too easy."

"No, I don't," he sniffed, straightening his tie.

"Doctor?"

"Hmm?" He took a step towards the exit and fell flat on his face.

"Trousers."

From the ground, the Doctor scowled at Donna's retreating back, the sound of her raucous laughter bouncing off the walls doing nothing to soothe his bruised pride or knees.

* * *

 _Thanks for reading!_


End file.
